dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
