You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
