if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
