Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
