He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
