so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
