I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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