i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
