At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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