Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
