I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
