Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
