JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
