Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
