My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
as a side note pls kill me
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
