if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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