he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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