I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
