If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
