TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
