I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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