I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
