does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
