oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
