The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
