im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
