My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
