so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
