hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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