Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just pee around me
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Can you bring me the toilet please
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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