Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
