I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
