New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
