Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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