i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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