Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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