I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
