Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
