I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
