and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
