I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
