If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
