dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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