You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
