Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
