I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My cat gives me a boner
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
