Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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