I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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