I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
