Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
