Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
