he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
