I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
